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Tuesday, June 21, 2005

I am so hurt. I really thought things were going to be so different. I thought we would be together and so happy. I really never thought he would do this- I thought I was special. He doesnt care and just wants to use me when he feels like it at his convenience. That shows he doesnt even care about me as a friend b/c if you know you dont want to do things right with a friend you dont do them at all b/c you dont stay friends. And he is well aware that I am so sensative. I am so sad- I really liked him and thought I would finally be so happy and everything that I had been waiting for was coming. I really miss Harris- we will never be the same friends again-he doesnt stay in touch and makes me feel like a fool when I do so Im done. I really am. I am so sick of being hurt like this and I thought this time was different from the depths of my soul. Really- like Harry met Sally -friends first. I guess not. How come I don't deserve to be happy? Why has no one ever really really liked me? What is wrong with me. I am sick of feeling like this- and I hate that someone who I thought was my friend has caused this. And the worst part is he doesnt think he is doing anything wrong. He thinks everything is just fine. I cant do this- he made me feel like a huge idiot the other day. I never find good guys and the likelihood of me finding anyone at this rate is zero- I dont have the energy for this anymore- I just wish I had the chance at least once to be in a serious relationship with someone who adores me. Ive never felt good enough- who knows why. I really miss how it was when I lived in Harris. Proximity really means so much in life. Besides being so hurt and disappointed, I am sad to loose a friend- and sad that that friend could treat me this way when he knows how I am. Its like I am all alone again. Back to square one- but I cant repeat this time. I a, sick of having my feelings so hurt all the time and I guess I will have to be alone- which is sad, but I guess its not the worst thing that could happen. I just feel so lonely and rejected.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

So I saw Ben last friday night- we went out to dinner with his good friend from home and his girlfriend- then to a club- then we came back to NYU and hooked up. I was really stressed about my school- still am- so scared im going to fail and that im too stupid for this and then what will i do with my life? I am so scared of not being successful. I think he got annoyed that I was only talking about school- but hi-he is my friend or was- and should give me support if i am so upset. Anyway, I asked him about our friendship and he said he thought we could be both, that it wouldnt get weird, that he likes me but we are going away and doesnt want anything too serious. He paid for me so it was like a date. He left saying he was going away for the next few weekends, but we would keep in touch. I text him Sunday saying help! i have been doing physics since 6 am. He replied shut the fuck up and just enjoy your summer. Then monday I imed him and he was SO mean- i feel like he was kind of joking but it was almost too mean for that. He said he never wanted to hear me speak of physics or my parents again for the rest of the summer. I havent heard from him since. I will NOT contact him- even if i never speak to him again. He is clearly not into this at all or he would keep in contact- unless he is trying to send me a message- either way. If wanted a hook up buddy why would he choose someone he is good friends with? Hook up buddies never stay friends because someone always gets emotionally involved- and duh its me. Plus he knows me and that I do anyway. He even told Dori- a guy wont sacrifice a frienship unless he thought it would result in a great relationship. So he goes and sacrifices it for what? 2 hookups? He knows I get hurt by this- so why would he do it at all unless he was going to do it right? He has implied us being together so many times, but actions clearly speak louder than words. I have to walk away- and I am so so sad about this. I have wanted something like this for so long- and I thought he was a better person than this. I really am heartbroken bc i really thought that this would be the one since i knew him and liked him and was friends with him and finally after all my awful luck I deserved to be happy and in a relationship. I guess not.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Okay- here is the thing- I don't WANT to believe it. I do not want to believe that he would do this. I thought he was a smarter, better, more caring person than this. You know- I thought he actually liked me- like thought I was beautiful and smart and an amazingly caring and giving and cute and funny person. If you find someone like that-you do not just use them for one night do you? Seriously- you do not treat someone you really like like this. EVen someone who you are good friends with and want to continue to be friends with you know? If you like the person you do not hook up with them and then not contact them AT ALL- AND if you want to continue being best friends with the person after this happens you do not NOT contact them either. You do contact them and explain to them that you feel that it WAS a mistake and that you love them as a friend and would like to continue being that. The only way you do NOT contact the person is if you don't care about them AT ALL -as a friend or something more. It shows that you don't care either way and do not really even want/need them in your life. SO basically Ben doesn't care at all. Which really saddens me. Its like I cant even believe it because he was lying/faking/pretending the entire semester- not just that night. He acted like he really liked me and cared about me- and that he wasn't a player and wasn't a liar and awul with girls- but that he wanted something special and was over the player phase. That he was more mature than that. I am honestly having a really hard time believing that it was all a lie and that he is that stupid to do this with me for a single night you know. And if he was- and it seems as if he was- I am angry that he would do this to our friendship because it will never be the same again no matter what-either way he is in the wrong. I dont know what to do about it though. Im like in denial. Probably because I felt like things were FINALLy coming together you know. I have felt so inadequate and like something was wrong with me for so long- and I finally found someone who I really like and relate to and thinks im beautiful and amazing and is my best friend. Haven't I been saying my whole life that I wanted to date and marry my best friend? I guess it is too good to be true if it worked out u know? But the thing is= am I a bad person? Don't I deserve something amazing. I know I could be a better person and am selfish on some levels- but I didn't think I was more awful than other people-I do want to try to be a better person. But I don't think I am so bad a person that I do not deserve any luck in this you know. I have been daydreaming about if things did work out TOO much- and I am so so happy in them- GOD I want a boyfriend-BEN so badly. Why please cant it work out for me just this once? I have been waiting for so long and been terrified for so long...Its unfathomable to me that I was a conquest to Ben-I guess I could have been-but then he is an amazing actor. Seriously. I have such anger and resentment for him right now. But while I say I do and feel I do at times- I am in complete denial that something probably will not come out of it- that this is it. That I will NOT have a boyfriend- that he doesnt care-that he will not call and we will get together. I keep imagining us together thinking he will call it will happen.It looks highly unlikely right now but I guess I am the type of person who doesnt give up hope until its definite. Unfortunately. I am SUCH a relationship person- pretty ironic since ive never been in a serious relationship. I want and long for security and love and to feel like I am worthy. PLEASE let his work out- I wish I knew what he was thinking. I would be disappointed in people if he doesnt care and did this for nothing- Because he really had me fooled that he was a good person who knew the deal. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- I cant take this uncertainty- I wish he would just talk to me-contact me-let me know either way- Everything he said tells me one thing. And his actions say quite another.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Oh god. I feel so lacking in clarity. I can't believe something happened that I wanted to happen for so long. But then again it was like that with the Brian Platt thing...i really wanted to hook up with him and I did. Then look what happened...I ended up obsessed and miserable. He clearly didn't like me back and I wasted so much time and energy...

I am soooo happy me and Ben hooked up-but I am also so scared. What if he doesnt want anything and it was just that one time. I REALLY like him- honestly it is what I have always wanted, always dreamed of- to go out with my best friend, and he is. The kid knows me well enough to know I take things seriously, I am awkward, and that things probably could not be the same after we hooked up. He also said all those things about him being in NY and what an amazing person I am and how he likes me. But what if he was just saying that so he could hook up with me? But honestly there are so many other people he could have gone to for ass..but maybe he sees me as a conquest or something. Also the thing about what he said to Dori...idk maybe he is just a good talker. I am so scared of being vulnerabale but now I sooooo am and feel like I could be really close to getting really hurt. Why would he do that for nothing and risk our friendship. I mean I was scared enough that we wouldnt be close if he didnt live across the hall....but now this. His behavior is not helping matters either. I imed him- spoke to him for 3 minutes and he brought it right up in a funny way...I really feel like if we were just going to go back to being friends he would have avoided the subject like I was planning to. Then I text him the next day...my mom kind of made me and he responded with a quick response. I havent heard from him since and refuse to contact him now. I dont want to seem like a stalker or that I expect something or that I am pressuring him even though I would be soo hurt if this was a one time conquest in his eyes. I have to play it cool. But why hasnt he contacted me? Why did he write random play on his facebook profile? Doesn't he care at all? If he doesn't he just ruined everything. If this worked out this would have been what I have been waiting for for so so long. All those years wondering why nobody liked me, if there was something wrong with me b/c no boys came to me or liked me and I wasnt popular and didn't have a boyfriend....if this worked out all of that would have been worth the suffering for something this good. For some reason I have such bad luck in this area though- so more than likely it wont work out-I feel like I am so on the edge and close to getting so extremely hurt especially b/c I know this kid so well and we are such good friends. God I want nothing more then for this to work out....I wonder what he is thinking....why wont he contact me...why cant things ever be easy and why cant i have any clarity ever? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE....but no right? I am never that lucky...which I have to say really sucks.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Why do I always wind up in these shitty situations? I like Ben a lot and of course he just thinks of me as a friend. Its always like that. Why cant things ever ever work out for me...u know like him liking me back instead of Ally who he will date and then use me when he needs me? Why cant he kiss me and say he has feelings for me and that he wants to date me? I'll tell u why....because good luck like that could never happen for me. Once again im in a situation where I will end up obsessed and hurt and there is nothing I can do about it.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Why can I never feel good enough. Accepted. Liked. Why do I always feel no one will like me and i have to prove myself. I cant trust anyone. No one. I knew rush wouldnt work out. I dont know how i will face my friends knowing they didnt pref me or defend me enough. Or even requested to talk to me besides Amanda Bloch. Here is who can pref me and who wont. The only 2 people i can truly trust in the world are ellyn and my mom. WHat is wrong with me? Why do i always have to feel like this? Why do no boys like me? I dont even have a real guy friend for crying out loud. Everything and everyone is so fake. kerri, mariam, meredith, maris, sarah can all pref me but i know they wont and ill be cut from everything. Emily already said i was cut from A E Phi. Its not like my life will change so dramatically but why why does no one want me? AGain. FOr the second year in a row no one wants meor likes me enough.What do other people have that I dont. I hate this feeling. I hate myself and apparantly everyone else does too. People use me and I hate it hate.EVeryone does what is good for themselves and i always look and feel like a fool. Even Jesse who i dont think i even really liked, he was just a boy, any boy rejected me. I am so sick of feeling this way that i am not good enough for anything. Not good enough to be in a sorority when all my "friends" are in it and not good enough for a boyfriend. I feel so lonely and sad and alone. I am going to be a single failure in life.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

AHHHHH...its 1/13/05 and I am once again FAT! I long for the days when I was teeny -tiny and thin and people asked how I did it. I felt so good. I dont know how to lose a lot of weight. I just dont know how. My mom's starving suggestions arent helping. I just always cheat like tonight. I ate all those pistachios and an extra mousse. I dont even know how much i weigh. I would guess 145 :( I desperately want to get down to 128. I am scared of this semester. I dont trust any of my "friends"-they arent true and just always do whats good for them. The thought of me getting a boyfriend or a guy liking me is a joke- especially when I look like this. I still dream of jeff Schwartz-oh god sometimes I miss high school :( I am scared i will be lonely this semester and i know and im telling you now rush is SO not working out. I will not be in a sorority. I somehow had the feeling it wouldnt to begin with. I even remember asking if everyone gets in and what if they dont on a lehigh tour. I really dont want to go back to school. I will post all my days here....maybe it will keep my pig self on track.
Grocery list for when i get back....
apples
grapefruit
blueberries
tuna
soy sauce
lettuce bags
tomatoes
ff hot dogs
kozy shack sugar free pudding
yogurt-plain dannon, vanilla dannon, cherry vanilla dannon
fat free 1/2 and 1/2
diet soda
diet lemonade
mustard
balsamic vinegar
splenda
forks, knives, spoons
turkey


I suck :(

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